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[Warning: this journal entry was pre-written so that I wouldn't forget anything later. So, if this kills the happiness high you are on, I put this disclaimer here first. Read it or don't, I don't actually give a s&%$ anymore.]
I've come to my first real kind of epiphany. And it all started yesterday when Ariel was all happy and crap about TH coming to MN. (which escalated all the rest of this).
you know what I've realized? I'll list them for you.
1. I have the worst luck in the world.
I say this because stuff always happens to me. Like if someone were to play in traffic and not get hurt, it would be the complete opposite for me. I'd get hit by EVERY car on the road. This entire week has proved how bad my luck is.
2. I'm absolutely positively sure I will never meet Tokio Hotel in this lifetime or the next, and that jealousy is the fate of me.
Cus I mean, c'mon. Who wants to effing go to Kentucky anyways?! Not a damned soul. Its full of hicks and rednecks and I hate it here. They'd never think about coming here, which is why I'm jealous of Ariel. She'll see them, and I won't. Yea, you'll take pictures and crap, but it only makes it more real that I in fact will NEVER live to have that experience.
3. I will never live out my dream of becoming a famous rocker/singer/songwriter.
Look, before you say anything, think about it. Most kids get their big break when they are like 12 or 13 right? I'm 16 now. I lost all hope of ever becoming anything other than something in technology and when you read this part, don't give me any damn pity. I don't fucking want it.
4. The weight I am now, will be forever the weight I am.
I'm a fat ass. I know this. You know this, She knows this, Europe knows, and so does Asia. Seeing skinny girls who walk around w/o a care in the world only makes it real that I have been lying to myself for years. I always try to embrace the fact that I'm a big girl. But when I see a guy with potential who actually would want to talk to me stop talking to me, because some bimbo who is negative 10 passed their way. Makes me sick.
5. I'm not meant to do cosplay.
I've been thinking about that one for months now. I'm not skinny enough to play this character, or I'm black and this character is white or, I'm a noob and I only hand sew my costumes.
ALL this crap has been going through me for months. All because of what happened yesterday.
And before you comment and s&%$ about how I'm wrong, or that my feelings are wrong and that I shouldn't feel this way, you fucking ask yourself what the hell you don't realize when you try to be mellow all the time.
When you fucking find out, you tell me, and we'll both know.
And to think I was happy.
I'm not an artist, I'm not a singer, I'm not a writer, I'm a fat ass, I will never get my big break, I'll never see Tokio Hotel live, I'm not cut out for cosplay, I live in the worst place ever, my luck is shitty, and I'm a jealous 16 y/o with no damn job.
Do I sound negative?! Its because I am.
f%&# this I'm done. -Jass
So, today is my 16th birthday, and I have nothing to show for it but this stupid song:
Happy Birthday to me
I'm Finally 16
Yesterday was so sucky
And I'm not so happy.
Yea, yesterday I got fired from my job. long ass story that I don't wanna recount, cus I know what I did to get fired, and I got the repercussions, but the reason why they fired me made NO SENSE.
I got fired for:
1. not being direct and rude with the girls who go there
2. hanging out with my friends at the waterpark, when i was supposed to be watching the girls in the pool (which I was. but that was partly my fault. A guy was there who I liked, and i didn't really wanna be watching kids while trying to flirt.)
3. Playing tetris and lying down on the day I had my first stages of strep throat, and the fact that I was gonna throw up
4. and not sucking up to the dickheads who run the place.
Yea, so I'm out of a job. Which is fine with me, because I was pretty sure that something was going to go down since that first time I got in trouble for them thinking I was sleeping. Yea, i talked about that incident in a previous journal on June 3rd. So, today my mom took me BRADD (the place to runs summer youth) and had me give them my statement about what they had done to me, because they fed the lady their side of the story about firing me, and I guess they didn't think I'd reciprocate. HAH. i wrote down SOOO much s&%$ they did to me... I hope both directors get fired at Girls Inc. And, the lady at BRADD said if they have another opening somewhere near me for summer youth, she'd put me there. I get my last paycheck from that hellhole on Wednesday. So, i'll find out then.
As for my birthday... well, that has sucked thus far. My best friend, Haleigh, spent the night last night and that made things a little better, but she's gone now, and no one is here but me and my mom and my uncle. My mom fixed me a birthday dinner, but hell, I'm still angry.
I don't feel any older, and I still look my old fat self, so yea, this birthday is probably one of the worst I've had in a long time.
So, yea thats it for about 2 days. Unless something else big happens to the point where I'm like half dead.
No new updates on costumes or fanfics or anything. And my deviant page is messed up or something. It keeps saying that my artwork had filters on them. =[
What else could go wrong?!
You know what, i don't even wanna know the damn answer to that.
I'm gonna go in my room and cry now.
peace. or whats left of it. -Jass
Tags: I HATE MY LIFE
Sup, my fellow cosspacians? As a 15 year old, nothing is really supposed to go on in your life unless you actually have something going on. Well, at this point in time since it is in fact summertime, I have a job. I like this job. Nothing fancy, I just work with a bunch of kids 5 days a week. The pay is great aka 400 bucks every two weeks, and the hours are awesomeee. An actual 9 to 5 job. With 30 minute breaks and 2 ten minute breaks everyday, this is pretty much the best job any teen could ask for. Although.. I wish some of the girls where like me. They're all into rap and being into boys at this age (I work with the 9 and 10's age range) and being better than the rest of the girls in the class. If a little girl came in dressed with straightlegged jeans, an AC/DC top and a Naruto headband, I think i'd probably flip have a stroke. Even most of the teachers dress themselves from the female section of Hip Hop Fashions. I myself would feel a bit more at ease when I'm in the backroom eating ramen from a bowl with chopsticks if there were just some person there a bit more like me.
Ah Well. We don't all get what we want sometimes.
What else is on my mind today? *taps temple like Axel.* hm.. COSPLAY. YOSH! Lemme see.. I've recently started back with sewing and things due to the fact that I have more time to do it now, not being in school. Here's the costumes I'm working on, and the percentage of the things I've done for it. =]
Cosplays for Jasmine Wolfsbane, High Queen, Lord of Cair Paravel, and Emperor of the Lone Islands:
[[and before you ask... I do that often. =)]]
Originals:
Dark Ballerina [5% done]
Musical Conductor of Death [5% done]
Anime Rescue Squad [10% done]
Anime:
Yoruichi Shihōin- Bleach [0% Done]
Yeah, its not much, but its a start. I really want to do them soon, for an upcoming con or something.
hmm.. anything else in my mind I want to get out... *taps temple once more*
Yea, I've officially considered to myself that I might be bi. I don't really know. I think I am.. but then again I don't... SO.. I don't really know.. blah.
hm.. thats it I think. Gonna go poke around on Deviant Art for awhile.
hey, if you guys have one.. add me. =]
http://meingottjassx.deviantart.com
alright. done. I'll see you guys like... next week or something. I usually blog like.. 3 times a week.
toodleloo. =]
-Jass
Tags: RAWR
So, over the past 3 months or so, I've been involved in one of the BEST musicals in the history of my school. What musical did we do? you ask. We did "Footloose The Musical." and if you haven't seen the movie, then you really need to rent it. One of my favourite movies ever. =]
Well, about a month ago, we didn't really have a show. Everyone in school doubted us, and people started to quit because of it. Well, most of the upperclassmen, including me, all stepped up to the plate so that we could make this show the best it could be. Along with my french teacher, the choreographer, and some friends from Western and the Capitol Arts, and pretty much the entire cast, we got a show done in a matter of 3 weeks. With choreography, music, the band, EVERYTHING. And on the days of April 18, 19, and 20th, every seat in the auditorium at WCHS was filled with people. Seussical at BGHS can now kiss my ass. =]
So, just signed up for face book. Every damn person at school has one, so i thought i'd try it. I don't really like it. Its fucking complicated. See, I get myspace. I've had this one for 2 years. I dunno. I thin I like html codes rather than joining about 547584965926 networks a day on facebook. maybe I'll sign on once in awhile. but for now, I'm sticking to myspace.
Tags: Weekend Warriors QuietDrive Take A Drink Handling Life
Alrighty. So, Lemme turn on some music, and get this blog thing a`goin. =] Lemme say this while my iTunes is warming up, I am completely convinced that I love to blog. It is now a hobby of mine, and I have to do it every 2 weeks, or I overload with so much. =]
Kk. So, "An Deiner Seite (Ich Bin Da)" by Tokio Hotel is now playing as I write this, and I am so totally relaxed right now. Mkay, lets go. So, Its April now, and I'm so tired. 2008 is going by like.. wowza. School is getting pretty hectic because of CATS testing and finals and stuffs because I get out of school May 23rd. Yea, it is now... April 6th. Nice right? yea. Also along with school, comes with our school musical and that is coming along pretty good. Our shows are the 18th, 19th and 20th of this month, and every thing is pretty much set. We're doing better than we did when we first started. And you wanna know something bad? Our choir teacher (aka the one who is in charge and/or the director of this) has been sick for 2 weeks. So pretty much the students and the chorographer and my french teacher have been running the show. And we've gotten more done with out our choir teacher being there. Which is pretty sad on her part. Moving along, I'm going to go back a little farther in my blogs and talk abou the Total Assault thing. So, as I said, I was on the Tokio Hotel eTeam and street team. Well, I ended up getting those credits that were mine and rightfully mine in the first place. I now have 14 eTeam credits, which is more than some people have on the credits thing. But on the downside of this, I'm also on the street team. and I'm supposed to be getting promotional stuff to hand out and/or hang up around my town and scheisse. And I haven't gotten it in the mail or anything, so I'm kind of worried that I won't get the stuff. (I hope I do, cus I wanna promote TH as much as I can.) SO! I've gotten a new video up on youchoob. Its called "Douche Cookie Takedown." you guys should so totally go watch it. =] SUBSCRIBE! ehehee. And last but not least, mein cosplay. I've gotten my shoes and my stockings and my hat thing done for the Rescue squad. I'll have pictures up soon. AND thanks to KikyouLuver who figured out the secret cosplay I'm doing, I now have to tell you guys. I am cosplaying as Road Kamelot, hence the wig. (Um, if you guys dun know who I'm talking about.. Watch a few episodes of D.Gray Man. =]) So, yea, look out for that. Ich bin jetzt verlassen. Ich habe zu gehen Pack für Praxis.
sehe euch später, und danke Ihnen für das Lesen! ich liebe dich alles,
Jass
Tags: Tiredness School Musical Cosplay Youchoob Yada Yada Tokio Hotel
Hallo my fellow cosspace-ians? ehehe. So, its been awhile since I've blogged. Lemme go turn some music on, and we can get this thing rollin`! Alrighty. So as I listen to A Progress in Color's "Breathing"(go to their myspace. they are amazing!) I wanna start with some topics that some of you may already know about. This week of course, is Golden Week. Well, actually Golden Week is a thing in Japan. Its actually spring break where I live, but I like to call it Golden Week because I can sleep for a week without having to get up at 5 in the morning. Anyways, being Golden Week, I am soooo bored for a kid who has a week to herself. I've been trying to hang out with some of my friends and stufs at the mall, but I can't bring myself to call any of them. I am so lazy. =]=]=] Moving on. So, I've been RPGing like crazy this week, you guys. Like, I joined Gaia Online.. 2 years ago? and I didn't use my account for a REALLY long time, cus Gaia was all complicated back then, and everything kinda of sucked but it got better gradually. Anyways, RPGing is like, a dirty little secret of mine. (not really a secret anymore, seeing as I just told you guys..) I get a kick out of being someone I'm not, and playing a character and interacting with others. and if any of you Gaians wanna add me, do so if it pleases you. (Gaia Online Name: Taikya-san). Next up, is the musical. Some of you that have read my other blog know that I'm tireddddddd from the musical. Next week we go back to school and starting that monday we will have practice for 18 days straight. EVERYDAY FOR 18 GD days?! I'm gonna be sooo worn out. but.. Its osmething that I love and I love to sing and act, so... but, the hours for our practices are ridiculous. I showed my mom the schedule, and she laughed. So, I'm pretty sure that the choir director and my mom are gonna get confrontational. Alrighty. SO! someone asked me the other day, "Hey Jass! Why aren't you posting anymore of your vids?! Do you not have anymore ideas?" Nein. That is not the case. With my schoollife, personal life, family, musical, choir, und mein freunds, I'm pretty much set for the next year. So, i don't really have time to make a video like i'd want to. If I hang out with any of my friends this week, then maybe I'll put some footage together and make something, but until then, you guys are gonna have to wait until I catch up with the rest of my mind. =] And last but not least, my cosplay(you guys were waiting for this one right? yea. I know). So, I've only told like.. 3 people what I'm working on next? I'll go ahead and let you guys know what is cooking inside the great and magnifique mind of Jass. I'm planning on doing an original reincarnation of an Anime Rescue Squad. Like.. Nurse Jenny from Pokemannzz but wayyyy better. and a little mor edgier. Yea, but I've kind of put that on hold for the next month or so, due to musical and other things in my life. I'll likely have pictures of some of the things I've done in the weeks to come though! Ich bin so müde. but I am done updating you guys. I'll probably blog again in like a couple of weeks. And thanks to all you guys who worry about me! I'm a teenager. I'm trying to do all thats possible. =] Vielen Dank für die Unterstützung! Ich sehe euch später! -Jass P.S. I lost 5 pounds. You know.. from my last blog. =]
Tags: Lalalala Gaiaonline Rpg Musical Updates Youchoob Golden Week Yada Yada Germ
So, over the past few weeks, I've been signing into this wonderful site, and checking my mail, not replying to anyone, and getting offline. The reason for this is because I've got so much crap going on in my life, that I don't know where to begin. I've got a side thing to say before I begin this blog. I got my wig from KikyouLuver (check her out: www.cosspace.com/kikyouluver) and it is fricking AMAZING! I'll put up pictures later. =] Anyways. So, as I was saying about the piles of stuff in my life, I'm gonna start out with the little things and branch out. First off, I'm in my highschools musical "Footloose." You've all seen that movie right? Yea, awesome. And I got a lead part and everything. But, we haven't been having practice lately, and our shows are April 19th and the 20th. its March 13th, you guys. WOWOWOW. And its scaring me because I'm afraid we're gonna have a repeat of last year where we had to crack down during tech week, which SUCKED! The musical turned out amazingly amazing, but I never wanna go through helltech week ever again. alright next. I've been dieting lately, and I really wanna lose idk... 20-30 pounds? but sadly, I've only lost about..2. in a matter of a month. 2 pounds?! GAH! *kicks self* it's driving me insane. moving right along. some of you know that i don't get enough sleep. Like, the last good sleep I had was... Sugoi '07.. that was last november! 4 months, you guys. I've been trying to get to bed earlier, or sleep on weekends, but I end up waking up, or not sleeping for some unknown force that really wants me to suffer and not sleep. I just hope that I don't pass out during some kind of exam or something. That would suck, and I'd probably fail. next up in line. So, I'm a member of Tokio Hotel's eTeam and Street Team. While there are no tasks for the street team, there are about 1540354983 for the eTeam. So, as a loyal member, I've been posting and posting stuff about TH wherever I can, and then taking a screenshot of what I post, and submitting it for cred on totalassault(the name of my coodinator). Well, since the assignment, I've submitted 13 screenshots with info for cred, and I haven't seen any recognition. It says that its being submitted for cred approval and will reviewed within the week. I STARTED SUBMITTING THINGS ON MONDAY! the deadline for stuff is March 19th. I've sent emails asking why Its not working, and I gotten no reply. It sucks cus I really dedicate myself. alrighty. So, I have been having a cosplay think block. IDK what to cosplay next, seeing as my hybrid is done. with my body type, I have to look for things that suit me, and I still can't decide. and last, but certainly not least, BOY TROUBLE! So, I've been on hiatus from boys for about... a year and a 1/2 now. Well, now its nearing summer, and I'll be graduating and becoming a junior. Well, I've been seeing all the boys with their tight jeans and long shaggy hair, and I've gotten the lust bug. and no one seems interested in me. I get told I'm pretty all the time, and I appreciate it greatly, but I mean, do boys just see me as friend material? I mean, I'm not gonna exploit myself just so you'll look my way. I'm not shallow. idk. Anyways, I just felt like ranting, seeing as I havent in a while.
Insight on me life, lads. Laterdays,
Jass.
Tags: GAH Stupid Mad Kill Kill Die Die Nyuu RANT
Ay! I think it's time for another blog, don't you? =] So, I'm sitting at my comp desk today, listening to Queen, and I figured I'd go through all my old blogs on my MSN. I noticed that I was so depressed when I talked to most of friends. Not like, to the point of suicide, but cutting material. And now that I look back on that, I'm so happy that I found myself, and picked myself up, before something like that actually happened. I don't even really know what was the force behind all that that coused me so much unhappiness. But I do know the force behind some of my happiness now. you guys. Yes, you cosspace. I've talked to so many people, and I've made some awesome friendships. Lemme name a few. Wes
Kaname-san
ChicolottaCreamPuff
JupiterTai
Bugger
Gaara
Randy!
Captain Mullet. =]
Ally! x333
Tifa-chan
Nana. =)
Sayda (ze pimp.)
...and thats just to name a few. =][==][= and the purpose of this blog was to tell you guys how much I appreciate you. You guys always make me laugh, and/or smile whenever we talk. And hey, maybe one day when I'm older, We'll meet at a con. And we'll be just as random offline as we are online. And thats all I wanted to say. Going to the store to get some fabric. I feel like starting a new costume. Merci, -Jass
Tags: HP QUEEN Break Free Emo Cha
So, just a few minutes ago, i got the blowout of a lifetime. I got told off by somebody, and tbh, i damn sure needed it. see, i said some things in my rant on otaku video, and all the while, i didn't mean any of it that i said. I was basically just elaborating on what my friend wes said. Well, this girl, brought it to my attention about everything I said, and at first I was like.. woooo constructive criticism! and then I was like... damn. she's shredded my rant. I gotta start meaning what I say, because I'm not always gonna get nice comments from people who think that the rant/blog/both are good. So, thank you, because you know who you are. and, from now on until I find something I really want to rant about, I'm gonna stick to editng little ninja vids. =] -Jass
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